16 Inappropriate Phrases to Never Say to Someone Estranged from Their Parents
Were you born into a loving, caring family? If so, consider yourself very lucky! Other people face a very different reality and may choose to cut ties with their families completely. Cutting ties with parents isn’t an easy decision, and it’s rarely made without serious thought and pain. Behind every estranged relationship lies a backstory that outsiders may never fully understand. These issues are not always your business, so when discussing such a sensitive topic, it’s important to tread carefully. You can show empathy and respect by never saying the things listed here to someone who stopped talking to their parents. You never know the depth of what someone has been through, and you don’t want to be insensitive.
“Why?”
There are many, many times when you might want to question a person’s rationale. For example, if you see them order Hawaiian pizza, it’d make sense to ask them what they are thinking. This situation, on the other hand, is not pizza. It’s something way more sensitive.
No child makes the decision to cut ties with a parent lightly. Even heavily abused adult children often decide against it fairly often. It’s not your place to ask why. It’ll come off as prying or insensitive.
“I’m Sure Your Parents Love You…”
Unfortunately, this is not always true. Some parents genuinely don’t love their children—and their children are often well aware of it. Even if this may be true, the truth is that estranged adult children don’t want to hear it.
Love is not always enough to keep a relationship together. Sometimes, a parent’s concept of “love” is very toxic to their child. Most estranged children have heard this phrase said to them at least half a dozen times. It often comes off as condescending or tone-deaf.
“But They’re Family!”
Having a biological family that’s too toxic to keep in your life is possible. Blood relations do not equal family material. People who have experienced abuse often liken cutting ties with their family members to grabbing a lifesaver while drowning.
No one makes this decision lightly. Just because someone gave birth to you doesn’t mean they are entitled to your undying patience.
“Have You Tried Talking To Them?”
The answer to this question is almost certainly “YES.” Having no contact with one or two of the most important people in your life is never an easy decision.
Cutting contact with parents often means there were endless discussions about their behavior, dozens of arguments, and moments where begging for help occurred. Those pleas fell on deaf ears. That’s why they stopped talking to their parents.
“But Your Parents Seem So Nice…”
As anyone who has been a victim of abuse knows, appearances can be very deceiving. You might see them as picture-perfect, worried parents, but you have no idea what happened. You don’t know whether they hit their children, whether they betrayed their kid’s trust, or whether they did something unspeakable.
Anyone can be nice for an hour or two, especially if they want something from you. Not everyone can stay nice when you’re living with them or at their mercy.
“Overreacting Much?”
This is something that almost every estranged child hears from people before they decide to cut ties. In fact, they often hear it most from the very parents they have to flee.
For many survivors of abuse, cutting ties is their last resort after years of gaslighting. If you say this to someone who was traumatized by people who minimized their emotions, they will likely lash out at you.
“I Could *Never*…”
When people say this, it’s often because they have never actually been in that person’s shoes. This is doubly true when it’s said to someone who was severely hurt by their parents, to the point of cutting them off.
It doesn’t matter what you would have done. You are not them. What matters is that they chose this as a way to keep their peace (or lives) intact, and you should respect it.
“I Gave Them Your Info.”
NO! This is one of the few things you can do that will make an estranged child’s blood run cold. Absolutely, positively, do not give an estranged parent their child’s contact information, especially if the adult child in question has told you to avoid them. This is an insanely stupid thing to do.
Not only does this totally trample on the victim’s personal boundaries, but it could also put them in physical danger. Do not be surprised if the person in question stops talking to you if you make this mistake.
“Your Parents Said…”
Even if they said they were on fire, chances are that the person in question does not want to hear it. There is a reason why they cut contact, and part of that reason may be that they no longer want to be “in the loop” about family drama.
Truthfully, most estranged children will distance themselves from you if they find out that you’re in contact with their parents. They might be rightfully worried that their parents may try to manipulate you to hurt them.
“Everyone Has Some Good In Them.”
This is a quip that is often said by people who have a very “Pollyanna” attitude toward others. Yes, even the worst monsters in history had nice aspects about their personalities. For example, Hitler loved pet dogs. That does not, however, excuse the fact that he murdered millions of people.
The estranged child’s parents probably had lovely sides to their personalities. Maybe they were great cooks or had a good sense of humor. However, this doesn’t defeat the fact that they did something so harmful that their child cut contact with them.
“You’re Making A Mistake.”
This is one of those things people say out of genuine but misguided concern. A person who chooses to cut ties with their parents has his or her own reasons for doing so. They may end up changing their minds later, but as of right now, they feel their reasons are valid.
It’s not up to you to tell them how to live their lives, and it’s not even fair. Right now, that person is probably in need of validation, not more people telling them they’re wrong.
“Forgive Them.”
Believe it or not, there is a good chance that those estranged kids already have forgiven their parents. It’s possible to forgive someone for all the hurt they did without allowing them back in your life.
Forgiveness does not mean you let someone back in your life. Moreover, it may take them a long time to actually get to that level. Don’t try to push things on them that they’re not quite ready for.
“This Won’t Help Improve The Situation.”
Guess what? Some people just don’t want to improve the situation. The truth is that you don’t know the whole story, even if you think you do. Your friend may have tried to solve the situation for years, maybe even decades. You can not blame him for deciding to give up. Right now, your friend doesn’t need an unrequested opinion but understanding and acceptance.
“You’re Hurting Them.”
People who decide to cut ties with their parents are perfectly aware of the consequences of their actions. Nobody takes this decision without thinking it through. Sometimes, we need to understand that extreme choices, such as this one, are the only way to achieve inner peace and mental clarity for some people.
Anything Religious
Most religions preach absolute obedience to our parents, except for some radical cases. This means that if you are a Christian, Jewish, or Muslim, you may be tempted to cite the Bible or the Quran to convince your friend to contact his parents again. Just don’t. Especially if the person you are trying to convince is not religious, he will probably find your attempt annoying and quite pointless.
“Do You Miss Them?”
Maybe the person who cut ties with their parents misses them every single day. Or maybe the relationship was so toxic that they do not miss them at all. Either way, it is none of your business, and asking this question will likely stir up a lot of emotions, but none of them are good. If a person has cut ties with their parents, they likely have a lot of feelings about the situation, and they will need to process those emotions for quite some time. Let them deal with the emotions on their own and offer support only if they ask for it.
