15 Things You Should Keep Secret From Your Spouse

You might believe that sharing absolutely everything with your spouse is the golden rule of a healthy relationship. While open communication is important, there are actually a few things you might want to keep to yourself. With a little help from therapist Jeff Guenther, we’ve put together a list of a few things that are okay to keep under wraps. Keeping these secrets is not a way to deceive your partner but just a way to protect their feelings and possibly maintain some emotional balance. Sometimes, knowing when to hold back is just as important as knowing when to open up!

Note: The content of this article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. Always consult with a qualified professional for advice tailored to your individual circumstances.

“I Had A Fantasy About My Ex”

Admitting that you fantasize about an ex can be a huge blow to your current relationship. Even if you think it’s harmless, this statement can stir up insecurities and feelings of inadequacy in your partner, and as Jeff reminds us, these fantasies don’t automatically mean something. They’re not always necessary to bring up unless you want to create insecurity in the connection. Focus on the reasons you’re in your current relationship and the qualities that attracted you to your partner in the first place.

“I Have An Innocent Crush”

Even if your feelings are fleeting and you’re not acting on them, sharing this information can open the door to jealousy and discomfort. These innocent crushes happen to most people and will go as fleeting as they came. It doesn’t have to be a big deal or even a conversation as long as you’re not doing anything that would hurt you or your partner, and you know you wouldn’t want them doing to you, as Jeff says. Instead, focus on strengthening the bond you have with your current partners.

Mean Things You Think In A Fight

When tempers flare up in a heated argument with your partner, it can be easy to let really mean things slip out of your mouth. You know their deep insecurities and can hurt them, as Jeff reminds us. So, don’t. We think about things we don’t always mean in the heat of the moment, so do the best you can to think things through before you say them during an argument, and don’t go intentionally trying to tear your partner down and hurt their feelings.

“You’re Always Annoying Me”

We get annoyed with people we’re around a lot. It happens, but it doesn’t mean your partner is irritating or that you can’t be together anymore. Try to avoid flat-out telling your partner this statement. If they have unique quirks, then work to accept those parts of your partner or maybe reflect on whether or not you two are a good match. Statements like this can really hurt your partner’s self-esteem and make them question whether or not they are annoying and worthy of love.

“My Family Doesn’t Like You”

If you know that someone in your family (or maybe a close friend) doesn’t like your partner, you don’t have to come out and say it so bluntly. As Jeff reminds us, you don’t necessarily need to make your partner feel awkward about being disliked by someone. Sometimes, people need time to warm up to others or be more open-minded, accepting, and understanding of them. This might just be the case for your partner. People can always come around, so maybe give it more time and don’t add the tension.

“I Wish You Were A Different Person”

The list above from therapist Jeff made me think about some further unnecessary sentences that you probably shouldn’t tell your partner…For example, it’s natural to want to grow with someone you love in a relationship, but saying “I wish you were a different person” to your partner can damage them and the relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to grow, it might be time to consider leaving the relationship so that no emotional damage is done to either of you. Instead of making statements like this, I think you should try encouraging different behaviors and actions in your partner if you want to stay with them and succeed in the relationship.

“I Hate Your Friends”

Your partner’s friends are an important part of their life, and criticizing them can come off as judgmental or dismissive. Even if you have valid reasons for your feelings, saying you hate their friends can create resentment and defensiveness. Instead, try to understand what your partner values in their friendships, even if you don’t connect with those people personally. Try to remain supportive and respectful as much as you can while learning to understand you don’t have to see eye to eye with everyone.

“I Don’t Need You”

It’s important to keep your independence in a relationship, yes, but telling your partner that you don’t need them can feel dismissive and hurtful. Relationships thrive on interdependence, and stating that you don’t need them might signal to them that their contributions are irrelevant. It can make your partner question their value in the relationship. Instead, focus on how much you appreciate what they bring to your life. Tell them you’re grateful for their support and presence. It can help reinforce the bond you share.

“You ALWAYS Do This”

If you speak to your partner in absolute terms, like saying, “You always do this,” it can lead to a conversation filled with blame rather than understanding. Generalizing your partner’s behavior like this can make them feel like they can never do anything right, leading to frustration and defensiveness. Instead, try addressing specific behaviors without categorizing them as patterns. For example, I think you can say, “I noticed this happened recently, and it made me feel [emotion].”

“I Don’t Trust You”

Trust is one of the most important foundations of a relationship, and flat-out saying, “I don’t trust you,” to your partner can create issues that are hard to repair. It’s better to address specific behaviors that may have led to your feelings of distrust. For example, you could say, “I felt uneasy when that happened. Can we talk about it?” This allows your partner to understand your perspective without feeling attacked. Building trust takes time and communication, so make sure you are both gentle.

“You Never Listen”

This goes back to what I said earlier about making blanket statements about your partner’s behavior. You should always be able to express that you do not feel heard by your partner, but this statement is more likely to start a fight instead of resulting in your partner listening to you more. Instead, I think you should try saying, “I feel like sometimes my thoughts don’t get heard, and it would mean a lot if we could talk about this.” This shows your partner the impact of their actions without making them feel attacked.

“You Don’t Have To Be So Dramatic”

I’ve experienced this personally, and it can be extremely invalidating. A comment like this implies that your partner’s feelings aren’t valid and don’t need to be seen, examined, or validated. It can make them feel unsupported in the relationship. Instead of downplaying their feelings, try to engage with them by saying, “I can see this is important to you; let’s talk about it.” Validating their emotions helps them feel heard and is more compassionate.

“My Coworker Came On To Me”

Telling your spouse about a frisky coworker may not be the best idea. If someone in your office has been hitting on you or flirting, that info may be best kept to yourself, especially if you rejected that person’s advances. If you tell your spouse, they will automatically feel wary anytime you go into the office. They may even become more suspicious even if nothing real happened. Keep the office incidents at the work place and let the incident fade away.

“I Was Happier Before You”

Your spouse should be a source of happiness, not someone who brings you down. Telling your spouse that you were happier before you met them is like a slap in the face. It will make them feel like they aren’t doing enough to make you happy and that they need to try harder. Your current mood also may not even be a reflection of them. It’s not really fair to put all the responsibility for your feelings on your partner.

“I’m Getting Bored in This Relationship”

Relationships go through highs and lows. One moment, you are enthralled by each other and just can’t get enough of one another. The next moment, you go through a lull where the relationship may feel mundane. Instead of telling your partner how bored you are of the relationship, you may want to try to spice things up on your own. Saying you are bored will not fix the problem!

This article was inspired by the Instagram account of therapist Jeff Guenther.