16 Tips for Breaking Up With Your Friend
Friendship breakups can hurt just as much as romantic ones and be just as hard to do. So why don’t we talk about them more? Sometimes, you grow apart from your friends and realize that you’re no longer on the same page. Other times, a friend’s actions or manipulative behavior may force you to rethink the relationship for the sake of your mental health. Whatever the reason, letting go of a friendship is never easy, but it is sometimes necessary. How do you navigate this tricky situation? Here are some do’s and don’ts to help you move forward gracefully.
Ghost-Worthy?
First, it’s important to remember that not all friendships are worthy of an in-person breakup. The truth is that some people do something so egregious that it’s not actually a wise idea to even meet up with them or call them again. If you fear for your safety or experienced a serious, explosive argument, then ghosting them is totally understandable. Sometimes, ghosting is the best way to let them know you know. Otherwise, it may be best to explain to them what’s up.
For Real?
Another major thing you need to recognize is that friendships are much harder to build than they are to collapse. A decent friend is hard to find. If you have the chance of being lifelong friends, it may be better to talk it out. Ask yourself if you really need to sever ties with them or if this is something you can build back from. If you think you can forgive them, have a conversation about how you feel. Tell them you’re considering ending the friendship and why. If they are receptive and listen to you, you might be able to mend things. On the other hand, if you warned them multiple times, it may be time to just cut your losses.
The Jerk Tax
One of the most common reasons friendships die out is mooching or excessive borrowing. Did your buddy borrow a large amount of money from you only to ask for more? The easiest way to end your friendship is to ask for the money back.
They’ll likely ghost you, not the other way around. Consider the money you owe them to be a Jerk Tax. You paid it so that the jerk in your life won’t stick around.
Plan Ahead
It will be hard to explain to someone why you don’t want to hang out anymore, even if you can’t stand them. People don’t always handle rejection well. You know your friend best. Do you think they will try to argue with you over it? Or will they be mature?
Now would be a good time to figure out how to shut arguments down. More often than not, it’s best to say, “I’m not debating this. My mind has been made up.”
Avoid In-Person Breakups
Generally speaking, in-person friendship breakups are kind of pointless. At best, you might end up seeing your friend break down in tears or storm off angrily. At worst, it could devolve into a fistfight, or they might make a scene.
Email or text messages can be the best way to handle this—if you actually have to break up with them instead of ask for cash they borrowed back. If you have to break up with them in-person, do so in a public place.
Just Distance?
A good thing to note is that acquaintances and people you only see in group settings often won’t need to be broken up with. You can just simply keep them at arm’s length, stay friendly, and they’ll do the same.
Sometimes, a full break isn’t really necessary. Just holding up boundaries (such as telling them you don’t want them to come over) is enough to make most interactions with them palatable. This is particularly smart if you are working together.
Explaining The Situation
A lot of friends might not even realize how dire things have gotten until they realize you won’t take their calls. There are plenty of people who will rack their brains trying to figure out what they did wrong or why. In many cases, it’s just best to be honest with them.
It can be something as simple as, “Hey, in recent years, you’ve gotten way too negative for me. You made my friends very uncomfortable, and I don’t want to continue this relationship. I’m sorry, we need to part ways.”
Regardless, it’s best to offer some type of explanation.
No Vagueness
If you are worried about them arguing with you or trying to slowly make their way back into your graces, you need to hold firm. Some people won’t take the hint until they are explicitly told that you do not want to be around them anymore.
When you’re dealing with a pushy friend, you have to explain to them that it’s not something they can argue about. A good way to explain this is to say, “This is not up for debate. My mind has been made up.”
Breaking The News
Another sticky issue that may occur is the problem of having mutual friends. If your now-ex-friend is part of a larger friend group, it may be time to plan ahead for that. In most cases, just keeping your distance and only arriving for group meets is the best course of action—no official breakup chat required.
On the other hand, if you had to make an explicit break for a very specific reason, it’s a good idea to let your friends know why you’re not willing to hang out with them. Sometimes, it can help smooth over everything and keep your name in the clear.
Avoid Dragging Others In
Breakups are never going to be totally clean. Sometimes, breaks and arguments can result in major blowouts among friend groups. While some might be inevitable, others can be avoidable. The best way to avoid more problems is to avoid badmouthing your former friend.
Don’t insult them or try to turn others against them. More importantly, do not let your former friend get under your skin. Be the bigger person, and people will respect you for it. It’ll also show why you were right to call things off.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you should be a doormat. If they’re spreading lies about you to friends, you can prove the contrary in your own time. If they are actively sabotaging your career, warn your employer.
Enforcing Your Boundaries
The vast majority of people will eventually (or quickly) accept the break. They will huff, puff, and then grieve. In some cases, they may ask for another chance but you don’t have to agree to it. If they don’t understand that you’ve made up your mind, you will need to enforce your boundaries.
This can include doing things like blocking their phone calls, blocking their social media accounts, refusing to open the door to them if they show up, or just reiterating, “I’m not interested,” until they get the point. The longer you enforce your boundaries, the less likely it is they’ll keep up their shenanigans.
Slowly Fade Away
Sometimes, all you need to do is fade away slowly. Decline a few of their invitations or invite them to events you know they will never join. Hopefully, after a few missed chances, you will stop contacting each other. This method is especially effective with friends you don’t know too well but may not work with people you’ve been knowing for years.
Don’t Become Unlikeable
Sometimes, we may be tempted to suddenly become awful with the friend in question so that he will be tempted to end our friendship. This is never a good idea. Avoid being provocative, aggressive, or hostile; choose open and honest communication instead. If you think you are still too emotionally vulnerable, wait a few weeks or months so that you won’t let emotions take over during the breakup.
Don’t Ask Someone Else To Do It For You
Another common strategy is to ask a friend to talk to the person you want to stop seeing instead of doing so yourself. Again, this is never a good idea. The person in question will probably still try to talk to you to figure out why you are angry at them but will also feel extremely insulted by the fact that you didn’t even try to have a conversation with them.
No Blame
When ending a friendship, it is easy to place blame. You may even be right. Your friend may be childish, rude, and apathetic. However, this is not the time to remind him of this. Try to focus on feelings rather than actions. For instance, instead of saying, ‘You are completely untrustworthy,’ say something such as, ‘I have a hard time giving you trust.’
State Expectations
You cannot just end a friendship and walk away. You need a plan. What will happen if you meet each other on the street next time? What about your online interactions? What if you are in the same social circle? First, figure out what you would want to happen on all these occasions, and then be clear with your now ex-friend. Some people may simply want to stop hanging out together in private but may have no problem going out with the same group of friends.
