14 Ways to Help Your Friend Realize Their Partner Sucks (Kindly)

Friendships can be challenging to manage, and it can be difficult to always maintain harmony. This becomes especially hard if your friend starts to date someone who is less than stellar. You may not like your friend’s new love interest, but it can be hard to express your feelings without hurting their feelings or straining your relationship. Fortunately, we have some tips from therapist Jeff Guenther that will assist you in handling this delicate topic. I hope you can talk to your friend, share your feelings about their partner, and continue your relationship in a positive and happy way.

Note: The content of this article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. Always consult with a qualified professional for advice tailored to your individual circumstances.

Don’t Tear Their Partner Down

If you speak about your concerns towards your friend’s partner, try to avoid harsh criticism. Tearing them down can put your friend in a defensive mood, says Guenther, and make them feel like they need to protect their partner rather than consider your perspective. Use statements to express your feelings without sounding harsh. You might say, “I’ve noticed they seem dismissive when you share your ideas,” instead of going straight into a critique. This way, you create space for a constructive conversation.

Talk About Your Friend’s Needs, Not The Needs Of Their Partner

Shift the focus from the partner’s behavior to your friend’s needs and feelings, which is solid advice from Guenther. Ask questions that help your friend say what they want and deserve in a relationship. You could ask, “How do you feel when they do that?” It allows your friend to explore their own feelings without feeling judged by you in the process. When they understand their needs better, they can decide if their partner is meeting them. This isn’t about making their partner the villain but about self-awareness.

Talk About How Much You Love Who Your Friend Is As An Individual

You can actually reinforce your friendship by expressing your love for your friend. Remind them of the qualities that make them unique and lovable. Guenther reminds us that people often forget this in a relationship. This boosts their confidence and subtly reminds them that they deserve a partner who appreciates those qualities, too. You can say, “I love how passionate you are about your art. It’s so inspiring!” By highlighting their strengths, you encourage them to find a partner who values them.

Reflect With Them About Relationship Patterns They Might Be Repeating

Guenther says you can help your friends recognize patterns in their relationships they might be repeating. You can gently guide the conversation by asking open-ended questions like, “Have you noticed any similarities between this relationship and past ones?” This encourages self-reflection without pushing them to defend their current partner. Sometimes, people fall into familiar patterns without noticing. You can try saying, “I remember you mentioning similar issues in your last relationship.”

Share Your Personal Experiences

These next tips come from my personal chamber of advice, but I still think you’ll find them helpful. The first is sharing your own experience with your friend if you’ve been in a similar situation. When you open up about your journey and what you’ve been through, it humanizes the conversation and shows that you understand where they’re coming from. You can say, “I once dated someone who didn’t support my goals, and it really affected my confidence.”

Encourage Them To Voice Their Feelings

Empower your friend to express their feelings to their partner. Encourage them to have open conversations about what’s bothering them rather than keeping it bottled up. Try saying, “It’s important to communicate how you feel; you deserve to be heard.” It can create a better dialogue between them and their partner and can help them address issues before they escalate. Remind them that their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to set boundaries so they can advocate for themselves.

Suggest That They Take A Step Back

Sometimes, stepping back can be all the clarity a person needs to see the bigger picture. Encourage your friend to take some time to think about their relationship without the daily emotional rollercoaster. You could suggest, “Maybe taking a short break could help you see things more clearly.” It helps them process their feelings and reflect on whether this relationship is truly fulfilling. It’s important for them to be in a place where they can find their happiness without external pressures.

Be Open To Having A Conversation

Understand that your friends might not react how you expect them to, and that’s okay. They could feel defensive, angry, or even grateful for your honesty. Prepare for a range of emotions and give them space to process what you’ve shared. Let them know you’re there for them, regardless of their initial reaction. It’s very important to approach this conversation with empathy and patience. They may need time to reflect on your words before they can see your perspective. Remind them that your intention is to be supportive.

Focus On Their Happiness

The true goal is to prioritize your friend’s happiness. Set up the conversation around their joy and fulfillment in the relationship. Ask questions like, “Do you feel happy most of the time?” or “Are your needs being met?” This lets them process their situation based on their happiness rather than focusing on their partner’s flaws. Highlight the importance of being with someone who lifts them up and supports their dreams. Your friend deserves a relationship that fulfills and adds to their life, not one that drains them.

Let Them Know You Support Them Regardless Of Their Decision

Let your friend know that your support is unconditional, regardless of whether they choose to stay with their partner or not. They need to feel that you’re in their corner, no matter what they decide. You could say something like, “I’ll always be here for you, whether you decide to work on things or move on.” The reassurance can take away some of the pressure they may feel during a tough time. It also reinforces that your friendship isn’t contingent on their relationship choices.

Encourage Them To Seek Help If Needed

If your friend seems stuck in a cycle of unhealthy relationships or is struggling to cope with their emotions, you might gently suggest that they seek professional help with or without their partner. This doesn’t mean you’re dismissing their feelings. It shows you care about their well-being. You might say, “Talking to someone could help you understand and navigate this.” It can provide a safe space for them to explore their feelings and patterns more deeply.

Reaffirm Your Friendship

Make sure to remind them how much you value your friendship. No matter what happens in their relationship, your bond should remain strong. Remind them that you’re there to support them through thick and thin. You could say something like, “I care about you and want the best for you, always.” This affirmation helps to create a safe space for open dialogue and vulnerability. It’s important for your friend to know that your love and support are unconditional. You just want the best for them.

Think Before You Speak

You may have some strong feelings about your friend’s spouse, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you should say them out loud. While having open communication with your friends is essential, you don’t always need to say everything you feel. Knowing what opinions to voice and what to keep to yourself is important. Always think about how your friend would feel if they learned of your opinions regarding their partner. If your words will hurt them, you may want to stay quiet.

Never Talk Behind Their Back

Maybe a lot of you agree that your friend’s new partner is not a great match. That doesn’t mean you should gossip about the couple behind their back. Always respect your friends and their choices. If you want to have a conversation about their relationship and your feelings, talk to your friend, but don’t talk about them with others. Gossip will get you nowhere and have no benefit to your relationship with your friend or their relationship with their spouse.

This article was inspired by the Instagram account of therapist Jeff Guenther.