16 Terrible Things to Say to A Woman Who Had a Miscarriage

A miscarriage is a deeply emotional and traumatic experience, and the grief that follows is something only those who’ve been through it can truly understand. If someone close to you has experienced this loss, it’s natural to want to comfort them, but choosing your words carefully is essential. Saying the wrong thing, even with good intentions, can unintentionally cause more pain. Before reaching out, take a moment to learn what phrases to avoid. When you know what not to say, yyou’ll be able to approach the person more thoughfully which can make all the difference in supporting your loved one during this fragile time.

Note: The content of this article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. Always consult with a qualified professional for advice tailored to your individual circumstances.

“Try Again.”

While this may be well-meaning, the truth is that a grieving mother does not want to hear that she should “try again and it’ll be okay.” Miscarriages are brutal. Some women go through multiple miscarriages only to end up childless in the end.

She knows how babies are made. She doesn’t want to be told to try for another one immediately after such a loss.

“Your Fault?”

Believe it or not, some people will actually take time to tell a woman who just miscarried what she “should have done differently.” This is not just sanctimonious, self-righteous behavior. It’s an absolutely appalling insult.

Miscarriages can happen to any woman, including women who follow doctors’ orders to the letter. A miscarriage is no one’s fault. Please don’t ask what caused it, either. It’s basically the same thing.

“Get Over It.”

Unless you have experienced a miscarriage, you cannot understand what kind of pain and shame women deal with when they hear the news. Every woman will cope with a miscarriage differently. Some won’t care much after a week or two.

Others can be traumatized for months or even years. In some cases, a miscarriage can even end a marriage because of the grief it causes. Don’t tell her it’s time to “get over it.”

“She’s With God.”

While many religious people might find this somewhat comforting, this well-meaning phrase can backfire. A woman who just miscarried may feel like she’s cursed or that she was cheated out of motherhood.

In other words, she’ll likely say, “I want my baby with me, not in heaven.”

“Not Meant To Be.”

There are a lot of things that you can say to a woman that can break her heart after a miscarriage, but this might be one of the worst. Women who suffered a miscarriage may have felt like this was their lucky time to become a parent, only to have it ripped away from them.

Saying this is cruel and rubs salt in their wounds. It may also make them feel like they weren’t worthy of keeping that baby.

“Not A Real Baby.”

Oof. Saying that a miscarriage was “not a real baby” should be considered sociopathic behavior. When a woman wants a baby and gets pregnant, she doesn’t just see the fetus. She sees a new world of motherhood where she will have a future with a child she loves. She sees her family tree, future Christmases, and future family outings.

She’s not just grieving a baby. She’s grieving that particular destiny of a family life that came with that baby. To her, those dreams and hopes were just as real as the air we breathe.

“This One Girl I Know…”

While it’s well-intentioned, hearing about how other women had multiple miscarriages only to get a baby later on is not helpful. Some women might find it to be a decent form of consolation, but the truth is that most won’t care about what happened to other women.

A woman who just miscarried wants to mourn her baby. She doesn’t want to hear about what others went through.

“You Can Get Pregnant!”

This may be well-meant, but it won’t come off that way. In many cases, it can be presumptive. For all you know, the woman in question might be able to get pregnant but may be unable actually to carry a child to term.

If she just found out that she can not carry a viable pregnancy, hearing this will turn into a gut punch.

“How Many Weeks?”

When a woman miscarries, she’s going to be traumatized regardless of how long the fetus stays in her body. Asking her how far along the pregnancy was doesn’t help the situation. If anything, it may make her relive the pain she felt or may make her feel ashamed about it.

This question often feels very intrusive. It’s best to skip asking unless the woman herself volunteers that information.

“Try This…”

Many people swear they know a cure-all for miscarriages or an old wives’ tale they swear by for family planning. While you might offer this advice with good intentions, a woman who just miscarried probably won’t want to hear it.

At best, she’ll ignore the advice and recognize that you mean well. At worst, she might get upset that you didn’t tell her about it beforehand.

“At Least It Wasn’t Late-Term…”

This is a phrase that is often said as a way to console people or encourage them to look at the bright side of life. In reality, it often backfires. Telling women to be grateful it wasn’t later-term tends to diminish the pain they feel at the moment.

Allow them to grieve. Remember that a miscarriage can be devastating regardless of when it happens.

“Adoption’s An Option.”

This is one of the most common things women who miscarry hear, but it’s also a low blow. Adoption isn’t always an option. It’s very expensive, finding a birthparent can be difficult, and in many cases, the adoption can fall through for various reasons.

Your grieving friend wanted her baby, not just any baby. Moreover, adoption is not some consolation prize. Those children deserve to be a parent’s first choice, not a last resort.

At Least You Can Have A Baby

Don’t make it about you! Just don’t. Even if, for some reason, you cannot get pregnant, whether it’s because of infertility issues or because you don’t have a partner at the moment, this is not the time to bring this up. Your friend is suffering a lot right now. Focus all your attention on her instead of making it about you.

Did You Get Checked For…

This remark doesn’t necessarily come with bad intentions. However, a woman who just experienced a miscarriage probably doesn’t want to find solutions right away. Have you ever felt upset about a problem and simply wanted someone to listen to you rather than provide solutions? Of course, with time, you may suggest your friend try a few tests, but wait for the right moment to bring this up.

“When I Was Pregnant…”

If you have had a successful pregnancy, now is not the time to bring it up. Sure, you love your children and can relate to someone who was recently pregnant, but your experience is far different. Someone who has recently miscarried does not want to hear about your healthy, living children or your experience with a full-term pregnancy. Focus on your friend, and do not bring up your own pregnancy at all.

“You’re Better Off Without Kids”

While they are many perks to skipping parenthood, a person who recently had a miscarriage does not want to hear about them. They likely wanted to become a parent and they are devastated by the loss. The do not want to hear about how child-free parents have more time and more freedom. Keep these viewpoints to yourself and do not talk about why your friend should be happy to be childless.